the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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