You can't special order awesome
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
