I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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