my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
