I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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