end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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