there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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