I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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