What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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