I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
