Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
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I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.