Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.