i may or may not be watching the land before time
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
