Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
