Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.