I think i peed on brittanys purse
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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