is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
