you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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