like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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