Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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