I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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