just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
