I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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