I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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