I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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