Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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