I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
