My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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