Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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