On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
