my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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