I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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