My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
