I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize