Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
