I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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