who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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