thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
