Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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