Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
