He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
