Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize