What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
