I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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