Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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