i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
