What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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