Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
