I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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