my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
