Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
