Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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