Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
