then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
