i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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