She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
