no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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